Plugging along on the trail of something resembling a real life. What the fuck is real life anyway?
Photography thing has screeched to a halt due to lack of funding. I turned over all my money and acess to what little credit I had left to the Mup. He didn't want to take that on but once I explained the desparation we were heading for he agreed. Anyway...I am broke, working one day a week (6hrs) and interviewing for other part time jobs I don't really want. What is wrong with me?
I used to hate staying home and having someone else be completely in charge. Now it seems pretty comfortable. Except the broke part.
My spacebar seems to be having issues so if there are words running together please excuse.
Ok so don't hate me for wanting to be a loaf for a minute. I know this comfort wont last and it comes and goes so It isn't like I am sitting around eating bon bons while the man is slaving away or anything. Ok, so I stream some movies and smoke too much. I said I am looking for a job! I am also doing way more around the house than I used to. This is not saying much but STILL.
On another front entirely.... I just got done watching a movie (ok not entirely different front) "Following Sean" It was a pretty good documentary. It made me think about my folks and where they were/ what they were doing in the 60's. It is weird because every time I hear about that period of time in history or even about the 50's, it is like they were completely oblivious to it all. Like they watched it on TV or something. I guess they did to some extent but they lived right there in California right in the heart of a lot of what was happening. I just don't understand it. Maybe they are like me... in between generations. They were in their 20's in the 50's and then in their 30's in the 60's. Possibly if they had been in their teens in the 50's and 20's in the 60's they may have had a clue. Instead they lived pretty boring lives comparatively. As for me...I just got a jump on everyone else in my age group... Hard to explain but I was pretty 'lived' out by the time I even hit 20. I guess that had to do with being out on my own young and left on my own even younger. I just got about a 2 to 5 year jump on my peers.
People ask me about the people and bands who made it big way after I used to hang out with them. I don't even know what to say because it was so long ago and when you have been to so many bars and heard so much music and seen so many bands come and go and to keep it all sorted out is difficult. I remember the bands I made flyers for on graveyard at Kinko's because they seemed to hang out at our apartment a lot. I remember the names of the bands and some of the people too. I used to say my friend Karen was destined to marry one of the later particularly famous lead singers. I used to yap with his Mom quite a bit... she was an actual paying coustomer (I thought about her quite a bit when he died). The ones that we thought would make it big did not. The ones that we thought would die out, fall apart or the people were just plain anoying (on a personal and professional level) made it and made it huge. I forgot a lot of the band names as well as the names of the musicians until I see or hear one every now and then. I was in bathroom in a bar in NYC that was plastered with old show posters and was really blown away by how many of them I recognised.
I guess what I am getting at is that I missed it. I was done when they all were getting started. My friends that were still in and around it, remained for a while and then I lost track of them. Last I heard of Karen she was being flown here and there to sleep with certain famous people... and that was her claim to success. I think it hit me (even before) that I had moved on when I was changing my kids diaper on her kitchen table and she exclaimed "Look at that itty bitty twat".
I was in it when they were garage bands playing underground alternative music not "Grunge". I also remember seeing a fashion show portion of a talk show and they had people walking down the cat walk in ripped up jeans and plaid shirts. When that was my uniform and that of my peers, it was because that was all we could afford. I think the price tags of those shown on television were more than I could or would ever pay for any piece of clothing. For the record, when the look of dirty worn jeans was in style recently for my daughters age group, I refused to pay for them. I said if she found a homeless person with the same jeans she was welcome to give them her clean new ones in exchange.
Anyway, I was out of it by the time I was in my early 20's and had to move off of Capitol Hill because I couldn't afford it anymore. When I moved there in my mid teens it was all I could afford! We moved into a house/shack in a neighborhood I now cannot afford. I laugh and cry when I see old neighborhoods, bars, restraunts, and stores we used to frequent turned into hip 'cool' hot spots or some such drivel or just close down. I can't bear to go into some of the places that are still open either because what they have become or because of what I have become. I am sure my parent's generation has similar feelings about their old haunts.
I am blathering on and that was not my intention. Or maybe it was. I have to go pick my child up from the college that is mere blocks from where I used to live back in the day. Maybe doing this twice a week has brought on these musings. She looks at me and her dad and finds it easy to picture me back then in that way but not her dad. I guess at least I hung onto some of my 'roots' and he hasn't. It is sad though, that he has lost the kid who tracked me down drunk in the pooring rain on his skateboard to sing me some sappy balad. And the guy who would make snow angels for me while crawling home from a show. It is sadder still because she would have really liked that guy. I know I did.
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facewitha_moon's journal
